Simon Lets it Out
by Emmetts1fangirl
Summary: Everything has calmed downed after Camille and Valentine's death. Magnus invites everyone to his loft to decorate for Christmas and its all to much for Simon. Simon finally lets out all the emotion he's been holding in about becoming a vampire, Clary and the clan and most importantly Raphael. Will Raphael forgive Simon? This is story is also posted on my AO3 account.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 Simon Breaks Down

Simon sat on the couch alone at Magnus' loft waiting for everyone else to arrive. Magnus had invited all of them over to help them decorate for Christmas and Simon knew he didn't have a choice but to show up even if all he wanted to do was be alone. Simon wasn't sure who else would be showing up to tonight apart from Magnus' boyfriend Alec of course. Now that Valentine was gone and Camille dead, Simon had a lot of time to think about the choice he made choosing Clary and in turn betraying the clan.

Alec walked through the door with Izzy, Clary, and Jace. Alec walked over to Magnus to greet him with a kiss and then joined him in pulling out the Christmas decorations from the closet. Izzy, Clary, and Jace gathered around the tree to prepare for decorating, Simon wasn't sure why Magnus needed him there seeing as he could just use his magic to decorate the loft. Reluctantly, Simon got up and joined the rest of them to help decorate. He sat next to Izzy as he picked out the decorations to put on the mantle. Simon was lost in thought until Izzy tapped him on the shoulder and he turned toward her. She asked him what was wrong, why he seemed so despondent and he replied "just thinking about the last few weeks".

Simon looked down at the Snowman in his hand and started to tell Izzy about his thoughts.

"I've just been thinking about my life, how it's changed and what that means for my future. I spent so long thinking I loved Clary without realizing that she was just a safety net, someone who was always going to be there. When the shadow world was introduced to me I felt like suddenly, my safety net was gone. I had to do everything to keep her there and I was blinded by this desire, hoping that somehow helping her save her mom would put things right. Somehow saving her mom which make me human again, would somehow make the shadow world seem less real. I didn't give it a second thought when she asked me to free Camille to find the book of white. I didn't think how that would affect anyone else, I was just hoping somehow it would set everything right. Like saving her mom, somehow would save me."

Simon didn't realize that at some point in his speech everyone in the loft had stopped decorating and were looking at him.

"I never wanted to be a vampire, I never blamed Clary for turning me into this because she had always done the right thing, so I figured somehow this is the way it was supposed to be. I thought maybe joining her in the shadow world would bring me closer to her and would bring back the feeling that she would always be there for me. Then we woke her mom up and everything remained the same, actually scratch that everything got worse. I was still a vampire and Clary was no more a part of this Shadow world. I felt forgotten, like what happened to me didn't even matter anymore. But I still joined Clary every chance I got, I followed behind her like a lost little puppy who didn't know what else to do. And in a way I was, I didn't have the clan to teach me how to be a vampire. I didn't have the family I grew up with. I didn't have a home, all I had was Clary so I did everything in my power to stay close to her. When she finally kissed me it somehow made me feel like maybe things were going right, maybe the shadow world wouldn't be so bad. Then she kissed Jace and I realized how stupid I was thinking she really felt that way from me, when all I was a distraction because she couldn't have Jace. When she found out Jace wasn't her brother anymore suddenly that door opened up for her the relationship to continue. What use did she have of me now? I wasn't her friend in the vampire clan anymore and now she had the person she really wanted to be I was nothing but a toy from the past. I sat in that boat house alone locked away for days after that night in the Seelie Realm. I had nothing left, no clan, no family, no home, and now no Clary. At some point I thought what's the point? I should have died the night Camille killed me. I thought about doing it to, just ending it all but I couldn't do it. I don't know why but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And I started to see the way Alec looked at Magnus, and the way Magnus looked at Alec. The way Clary and Jace looked at each other, hell even the way you looked at Lydia. I wanted that kind of love. Every time I pictured the kind of love for me, I only pictured one person and it wasn't Clary. It was Raphael. Somehow being trapped inside Clary's world doing everything I could to keep her close, I didn't realize I was falling in love with him. But you know the worst part wasn't that now I knew I was in love with him, it was that now I could see all the little things that he did for me that he didn't do for anyone else. It was that now I realized somewhere inside him he cared for me, maybe not as much as I care for him. But a part of him cared for me in a way Clary never did and never would. I lost every chance I could have had with him when I chose Clary, when I betrayed the clan. I finally see that this whole time I was trying to find a way to save myself and I had already been saved. I was trying to find a family that I already had. I was trying to hold on to the love that I thought I could have with Clary but instead I just pushed away the love that was between me and Raphael. I didn't understand the choices I made at the time. Didn't much care for the consequences. Didn't think past helping Clary waking up her mom keeping her around."

Simon felt the tears dripping down his cheek, but he couldn't stop the words he spoke. It was like once he started the gates were open and he had to let them all out. All the emotions he had bottled up inside.

"Don't you see Izzy, I fell in love but now I will never get a chance to experience it. I lost him before I even had a chance to be with him. I spent all this time thinking I lost my home, and Clary was the only way I was going to get it back but then I opened my eyes and realized he was my home. I would do almost anything for just a chance that he would forgive me. But I know that's not going to happen, I can't help hoping someday he'll forgive me. I just hope that I'm still alive when that happens. Some days it's like everything is closing in on me and it's just too much. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The shadow world brought me my soul mate and I lost him just as quick. I don't fit into the shadow world anymore I'm a freaking vampire that walks in the sun. I'm more of a monster then any creature in the down world. And this is the life I'm stuck with and I'm not sure how much longer I can live it" Simon cried out the last part and slide down exhausted.

After a few minutes he looked up he saw the tears in Izzy's eyes. He looked around and say tears in everyone's eyes even Jace and Alec. That's when he realized they had all been listening. Suddenly Magnus wrapped him in his arms and held him close.

"I'm sorry Simon, I wish there was a way that I could help you." Magnus and Alec said at the same time. Clary approached him and hugged him with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry Simon" she whispered to him. Izzy hugged him next then Jace and Alec patted him on the back.

Simon pulled away and spoke in a voice so quiet and broken they almost didn't hear him "I appreciate your words but I think I need sometime alone" then he turned around and left.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Raphael goes to see Simon

Simon had been back at The Boathouse for about an hour before he heard a knock at the door. He jumped off the boat and walked towards the door. When he opened the door, he was shocked to see Raphael on the other side.

Raphael spoke with a calm voice "Magnus came by to see me, he said I needed to see something, then he gave me a memory vile and left. Now normally, I would have just ignored him but the look in his eyes told me that this was important. That this wasn't just another one of his tricks. So I opened the vile and let the memory out. In this memory I saw you sitting next to Izzy. I heard everything you said."

Simon turned from Raphael and hugged himself as he replied with tears already slipping down his cheeks "he shouldn't have shown you that. He wasn't even suppose the hear it, honestly no one was but Izzy asked me how I was holding up and it all came out. I know it won't change anything but for what it's worth I'm sorry Raphael."

Raphael grabbed Simon's arm and turned him around before he could get away. "Simon I'm sorry I didn't try to understand why you kept choosing Clary. I should have thought about the life you had just lost, I was once a fledgling myself and I understand how difficult it is to give up that live"

Raphael pulled Simon into his arms and Simon gave up trying to resist. He pushed his face into Raphael's shoulder and cried. Raphael pushed himself into the Boat House closed the door and slid down to the floor holding Simon in his arms as Simon cried.

After a while Raphael heard Simon's crying stopped and he looked down at him to find that Simon had cried himself to sleep. Only then did Raphael let a few tears of his own fall. He sat there holding Simon as he thought about the words he heard him say in that memory. As much as it hurt to admit, he realized a part of him failed Simon as well. Years ago he made a promise to himself that he would treat every fledgling fairly because he had been there himself. But when Simon was turned Raphael realized part of him wanted Simon in a way he hadn't wanted anyone before. That part of him saw the way Simon acted around Clary and projected his anger onto him. Inside Raphael knew what he was doing was wrong but his emotions clouded him and in turn he pushed Simon further into Clary's arms without realizing it. Raphael decided then that Simon was coming home and everything was going to be put right no matter how long it would take and how hard it would be. He would make sure that Simon never felt that way again.

As the sun set Simon opened his eyes to see that he was on his makeshift bed in the boathouse and Raphael was sitting next to the bed. Then Simon remembered the night before and how he cried on Raphael's shoulder. Simon turned away from Raphael and closed in on himself until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to Raphael in front of him.

Raphael kneed before him and whispering to him "it's time for you to come home, back to The Dumort."

Simon whispered to Raphael "ok" Simon replied. Raphael stepped back and allowed Simon to stand up. Raphael turned around and walked up to the door and opened it. Simon followed Raphael back to The Dumort where he was greeted by a hug from Stan and Lily. "Welcome home" whispered Lily.

Raphael turned to Simon and said "your old room is still empty if you would like it back." "That's fine" replied Simon. Simon walked out of the foyer and down the hall to his room, which was just as he had left it. Simon laid down on his bed and thought.

'Maybe someday I'll get a chance to experience the love I see when I look at everyone else'


End file.
